Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Come Play in the Water

Just imagine a hot summer day.  The sun feels hot on your skin.  Your hands start to feel a little damp and sticky.  Your plan is to go to the lake with your friends.  Everyone gathers after lunch.  You're giggling and pushing one another as you approach the lake.  Your friends flip off their shoes, drop their backpacks, run, then jump into the water.  And you stand there like a marble statue, not jumping, not running, just standing, hot, clammy, sick to your stomach, trying to deal with the fear of jumping into the water!  Remember that panicky feeling? I do. Fear. I hate it.

As adults, we still experience that same sickening, panicky feeling.  It happens when something dreadful occurs, or when you receive bad news.  As a kid, you may have circled that lake many times; wanting to jump in, but just too scared.  Then one day you just got sick and tired of being left out.  Finally,you did something about it.  Well, hopefully you did something about it.

That's exactly how I feel 1,468 days after a car accident.   I used to be so scared that I was not going to get better.  I am not really counting the days, just taking notice of how far I have come.

I have not done this alone.  So, I have a few people (lots) to thank before I jump into the lake...uh, I'm home in my jammies....that's just an expression. Here we go: to my husband Mike-you are the best of everything; to my dearest and only son Will-you are handsome and perfect,  to the professionals, Dr. Jeremy Succup, Chiropractor, thanks for drying my tears and encouraging me to keep moving; Dr. Kathleen Holtz, thanks for the re-mapping, mindfulness techniques, and finding a new woman in the wads of wet kleenex and swollen eyelids and sucky attitude; and finally Dr. Caleb Barnard at Faster Pittsburgh Chiropractic where I regained my lost inch (another doc measured me at routine follow up), balance, a better attitude, recovered the ability to climb into pantyhose, and physically start to feel like my "old" self, and lastly, my friends...not naming anyone because you are all supportive...everyone of you has been a blessing (here come the tears), yes, every one!

There were the weeks I could not be left alone, the weeks I was afraid to leave the house, the phone calls where I made no sense, the lunches where I dropped food all over my boobs when my arm could not reach my mouth, the day I removed a steaming casserole from the oven without oven mitts, the Easter dinner that I threw on the kitchen floor as family walked in (they found something to cook while I cried), the 32 bedspreads I purchased at Marshall's that Michael and I returned that same day, the hours spent at the grocery store buying nothing because I could not decide what to buy.  Okay, you get the picture. I hear Michael's gentle voice:  "that's enough honey". I wished that I could go back to that scary summer day and get a "do over"; but fear is fear. You need to stand up to it.  Fear does not go away unless you make it go away. I learned a lot that summer.  I learned that feeling left out was awful.  I wanted in.  I wanted to be swimming in the lake that summer day.  I learned to face my fear of water and summoned that same courage again to get my life  back after the car accident.

 I have made peace, re-mapped and am moving on. So, here's the new plan.  My writing skills were almost taken away, but I am moving forward enough to write this blog.  You can support me by reading it, commenting in a kind way (at least until I get a little tougher) and asking questions.  My goal is to write once a week.  Topics will vary.  I will review Melaleuca products since I am building a business. I will write more about my road to recovery.  Dr. Barnard is still on the journey with me.  My physicians have suggested Moo Doe as a physical activity.  I have become a student at Oom Yung Doe; testing the water again.   Michael is calling me Sauterelle---grasshopper in French-sort of.

Yes, I have made some scary hard choices.  I am blessed to have choices to make. Come play in the water with me.  I am not afraid. I will hold your hand, you will hold mine.  We will make this journey together.  We will find joy in this life.  We will over come obstacles and laugh at our fears.  We will dance in the warm sun  and cool ourselves in the refreshing water of life.

More laughs and less tears next week. M